As of today, I have been alive 40 years, and in that time, I’ve learned a few things. Today, I’m pleased to share 20 of those things with you.
- A lot of people say age is nothing but a number. That’s obviously untrue. It’s a word, represented by a number. Of course it gets no say in what number represents it, which is unfair. I hear 13 through 18 are particularly terrible, but that’s the way the system works.
- Birds are the enemy. I don’t expect you to believe me, but birds are basically sentient death darts descended from dinosaurs, who have nothing but avenging their ancestors’ extinction on their bird brains.
- Social media exists to ensure that people are informed of their birthdays, achievements, and failures. Reaction .gifs are its Hallmark cards.
- Takeover is a better song and a better diss than Ether. Ether is just a much cooler verb.
- I used to believe I’d eventually be proven right about everything, but as I’ve matured, I’ve come to learn that isn’t true. People never did come around on the Zune.
- On the subject of music, Bad is better than Thriller. There, I’ve said it, and you know it’s true.
- The best birthday present is waking up and realizing that I’ve got the best wife, but the second best birthday present was those 2016 Wrestlemania tickets.
- If there were any justice in the world, we’d reach a consensus on a new alphabetical order, which would give the people at the end of the alphabet a couple centuries to be at the front of the line, but there isn’t any justice in the world, and we won’t.
- You can survive off Pop Tarts for about five days. On day six, your vision becomes lightly frosted, and you start seeing sprinkles.
- I think it’s possible to separate the art from the artist, but it’s going to take three highly-skilled professionals and a getaway car.
- A/B testing is a boon to creativity
- A/B testing is the antithesis of creativity.
- Seventh grade is there just to fill time between sixth and eighth grade.
- The key to winning Survivor is rigorously-maintained nested alliances.
- Who your favorite late-night host is says a lot about you. Mainly that you’re over age 35.
- Oatmeal Raisin is the best cookie. Peanut butter is the worst.
- I firmly believe that all of the conflict in the Mushroom Kingdom comes from Mario’s kidnapping Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong seeking revenge by aligning himself with Bowser to have Mario go through what Donkey Kong’s wife went through in DK’s absence. Everything could be solved with a simple apology from Mario.
- The winky-tongue-sticking-out emoji is an emoji that is having a seizure, and, not only will no one help it, but it is always being used in painfully comical situations. For god’s sake, someone do something.
- Early Bugs Bunny stole early Daffy Duck’s style, and we’re supposed to just go along with the idea that later Daffy is just jealous of Bugs? Daffy deserves every ounce of resentment he feels! Great, now I’ve gotten myself all worked up, but you know what? I feel very passionate about this!
- What you experience in this world is increasingly determined by algorithms you can’t comprehend, but you’re complicit in this surrender of self-determination by spending an ever-increasing amount of time online. The easiest way to disengage is to simply turn off the computer and go outside, but things seem to change much more slowly outside than they do online, which makes outside far less interesting. And by you, I mean me.
I’ll be back tomorrow with another 20.
Me, at 40